I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
