You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
