You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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