i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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