I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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