Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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