Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need water and some morals
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
im on a boat
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