Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize