Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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