Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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