3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
