Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
