I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
