My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
