I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
