my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
