when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
