where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
