You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
