Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
