Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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