I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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