I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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