I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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