What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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