i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
