God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
