You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have aggressive nipples.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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