Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
