We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
