Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize