absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
