My nipple is on Facebook.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Vodka?
Forever.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Randomize
