Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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