Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
