An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't deserve a penis
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
