Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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