So drunk its hurt
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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