I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
