PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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