My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
