i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
