I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
there is glitter all over my balls
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
