The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
