Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
