I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize