Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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