his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize