No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
