this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
