Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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