Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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