Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
