Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
