Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
