when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize