It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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