Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
