I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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