My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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