Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
