beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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