The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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