One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize