we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
