Im at strip club and am horny
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
