Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
